This past weekend my in-law's came down to visit. They were here to spoil Phil and I to help with our TWO KIDS...still can't believe we have two, nuts I tell ya! One of the evenings they were here they took charge of the babes and scooted Phil and I out the door to enjoy a nice long date. The time together was so needed and I cherished looking my husband in the eye to tell him how much I admire him. It's hard to genuinely love a spouse when there's a 2 year old and a newborn occupying our home.
Needless to say, during a nice long date a mother of a newborn has certain duties to attend to and since I wouldn't have my little lady around to feed every 2.5 hours I was going to have to pump. As time would have it, half way through dinner I needed to "make a phone call" aka grab my breast pump out of the car and find a discreet location to take care of some business. We were at a restaurant with multiple options to hide away and I had scoped out the area before we sat down to eat.
As a little precursor, I had the opportunity to get myself ready for our date since two grandparents were around to entertain the kids. I was feeling rather confident in my appearance...skinny jeans, black boots, a motorcycle style jean jacket, eye liner for the first time since who knows when, and a good hair day.
With this boost in confidence I strutted outside to the car to grab my pump, camouflaged nicely in a small black back pack. I put the back pack on and acted like I knew exactly where I was going...I found myself looking for a bathroom upstairs in a business type area, but none could be found. I walked into a Barnes & Noble that, yes, had a bathroom, but none of the stalls had outlets to plug in my "special machine". So I walked back through the bookstore, the business area, and found myself in a Starbucks bathroom.
Given the fact that I was going to hunker down in the sbux bathroom for 10 minutes or so I needed to assemble my pump fast. I put the pieces together...assembling the pump like a hidden weapon of some sort and in the most uncool situation I felt like a spy. I laughed at the ridiculousness of my imagination, but in between knocks on the bathroom door and finding myself a bit self conscious that people would think I was stinking up the bathroom in horrific fashion I was glad that I could find some comedy and a little ounce of awesome in such a "hey, I'm a mom" situation. Most people had no idea my black backpack carried a lovely breast pump. For all they knew I looked like the dozen other college students studying at Starbucks or I could be an assassin with a mission to complete or a nursing mother out for a simple date with my husband.
All in all the little escape of feeling like something beyond my stay-at-home momness was fun and probably sounds incredibly lame :) In my day in, day out schedule of taking care of my small children I'm learning that the little things to laugh at or give me a healthy escape are true gifts. Truth is, I don't feel very good at this mom thing...I have to tell myself daily that I can do this and that I'm good at this because it is crazy hard. I'm learning to let go...it's a good thing to learn.
In the mean time, don't be weirded out if you see me around Nashville wearing my breast pump on my back pretending to be a spy. I'm just keeping my sanity even if it looks like I'm losing it!!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
The Story: Ever Wynn Shay
When God enters in life starts to do things that seem impossible. The realms of time and space and coincidence start working together in ways that must be God...they must be. And in the birth of our daughter, Ever, I don't know that I've been through ANYTHING as mind-blowing, intense, and beautiful. I have been given, once again, a snap shot...a memory that will remind me that God goes before me. He will not leave me. He is fighting all the time for us.
January 6th, 2012 was a day I woke up very pregnant, which was normal given the fact that I was 6 days away from my due date. Phil and I just happened to be married on this same day 6 years ago (lots of sixes, I know). Phil went to work at his brand new job at the symphony, Rock was up watching PBS kids, and I was getting us ready to meet a good friend for coffee. We had an awesome morning, being reminded that God saves the day, His word never fails, and He has a plan for us. Rock and I left our coffee date feeling renewed and ready for our day.
We got home, fed Rock some lunch, and put him down for a nap around noon. I then heated up left overs, ate a small amount then took a trip to the bathroom. As I was in the bathroom I remember at some point thinking, "I'm not sure if I'm peeing or if there's something else coming out...” which is a strange feeling given the fact I’m an adult and generally know what’s happening in the bathroom. I finished my business, walked to the kitchen, and sure enough my water was trickling out...not a gush, just surely but slowly.
I called Phil at 12:30pm and told him I thought my water was breaking. I wasn't having contractions and was feeling pretty good, but I did start having to go to the bathroom...A LOT. I think I was on the pot about ten times in 40 or so minutes.
My mom was flying into Nashville from Arizona at 1:40pm and the plan all along was for Rock and I to pick her up (side note: my mom was planning to fly in on our due date, January 12th, but last minute we changed the flight because we didn’t think I would last until then). At this point it was close to 1pm and I was still planning to pick her up from the airport. After texting with Phil back and forth he encouraged me to call our doula (a hired birth coach...I had a c-section with Rock and wanted to try for a natural birth this time around, so we hired a doula to help us better the chances of avoiding a second c-section), Susie Meeks, to double check if I should in fact get in the car to pick up my mom. I called her, she answered, and the first thing out of her mouth was, “I’m about to push a baby out. Can I call you back”? I said sure, plopped down on the couch to watch a little Lord of the Rings, and waited for Rocky boy to get up from his nap. Susie called me back about 20 minutes later and told me NOT to get in the car. I called Phil, told him he needed to leave work to go pick up my mom and that I thought this could be “it”. Still no contractions.
Rock got up ten minutes later and as he was playing around the house I had a couple pretty heavy contractions. He asked me to help him go to the bathroom and as I was pulling his pants down and setting him on the toilet I had a REALLY heavy contraction. I was thinking, “Wow, this is getting intense, fast...” Phil and my mom walked in the door at 2:10pm and at this point I couldn’t talk through my contractions. They were coming so fast and hard that I hardly said “hi” to my mom, and instead retreated to our bedroom upstairs to try and calm myself down. At this point I was succeeding and failing back and forth as I was trying to relax through the contractions. They were so hard and long and coming crazy fast. Susie and Phil were talking on the phone while I was upstairs and decided Susie should come to the house instead of meeting us at the hospital. My labor process with Rock lasted 26 hours so we weren’t thinking things could happen as fast as they were about to happen.
Susie had been up all night/into the afternoon attempting a home birth with another client. They ended up having to go to Baptist hospital to birth the baby. On her way over Susie asked Phil to make her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some coffee because she hadn’t eaten in quite some time. Susie arrived at the house at 2:50pm, came upstairs to check my progress, looked at me and Phil and said, “guys, we’re not going to make it to the hospital. Her head is right there and you’re ready to have this baby.” We were shocked! Susie didn’t even get to eat the “meal” Phil made for her. She started calling down to my mom to go get the home birth equipment and supplies from her car and at the same time was telling me not to push. Susie’s supplies were all sterilized and ready to go since they weren’t able to use them at the birth the night before. God was so present.
I pushed for 40 minutes. 40 of the longest, most challenging, most beyond myself minutes and our baby girl, Ever Wynn Shay, was born into my arms at 4:10pm. The moment I so longed for with the c-section birth of our son Rock that I wasn’t able to experience was happening. I pushed our little girl out, on our bed, on our anniversary, the minute my mom walked in the door to take care of Rock, the perfect plan of hiring a doula who is also a certified midwife that could handle an unexpected home birth. None of these things were on my radar, but they were planned, down to the minute by our God. As I sit here and write the story, the story that happened 5 short weeks ago, I still can’t believe the detail and the beauty of it all.
I had prepared myself with the thought that another c-section wouldn’t mean God forgot about me. I had told myself that this birth would be totally different than Rock’s birth and no matter what the outcome my heart and mind were as ready as they could be to know how God thinks and feels about me. He is so present in all of our stories...truly epic stories on even the most boring days. But as I think back over this wild story, my heart soars at the thought that God allowed me to push Ever out...that my body did what it needed to do and it was so fast that I didn’t get a chance to second guess myself or tell myself I couldn’t do it. With all the negative self talk I allow to go on in my head as a part of my daily life, this was a moment where I did something amazing...so many factors making the labor what it needed to be...but my human body met God’s gracious hand and we did it together. I’m proud of this story and I hope each of us have moments in our lives that let us be proud of ourselves as God meets us with His faithfulness.
Ever Wynn Shay was born on 1/6/2012
7lbs 8oz
21in long
Ushered into this crazy world with a story all her own :)
New Ever!
Family of Four :)
Our Doula, Susie, about an hour after Ever was born
Little Lady, Big Yawn
Bath Time, y'all
January 6th, 2012 was a day I woke up very pregnant, which was normal given the fact that I was 6 days away from my due date. Phil and I just happened to be married on this same day 6 years ago (lots of sixes, I know). Phil went to work at his brand new job at the symphony, Rock was up watching PBS kids, and I was getting us ready to meet a good friend for coffee. We had an awesome morning, being reminded that God saves the day, His word never fails, and He has a plan for us. Rock and I left our coffee date feeling renewed and ready for our day.
We got home, fed Rock some lunch, and put him down for a nap around noon. I then heated up left overs, ate a small amount then took a trip to the bathroom. As I was in the bathroom I remember at some point thinking, "I'm not sure if I'm peeing or if there's something else coming out...” which is a strange feeling given the fact I’m an adult and generally know what’s happening in the bathroom. I finished my business, walked to the kitchen, and sure enough my water was trickling out...not a gush, just surely but slowly.
I called Phil at 12:30pm and told him I thought my water was breaking. I wasn't having contractions and was feeling pretty good, but I did start having to go to the bathroom...A LOT. I think I was on the pot about ten times in 40 or so minutes.
My mom was flying into Nashville from Arizona at 1:40pm and the plan all along was for Rock and I to pick her up (side note: my mom was planning to fly in on our due date, January 12th, but last minute we changed the flight because we didn’t think I would last until then). At this point it was close to 1pm and I was still planning to pick her up from the airport. After texting with Phil back and forth he encouraged me to call our doula (a hired birth coach...I had a c-section with Rock and wanted to try for a natural birth this time around, so we hired a doula to help us better the chances of avoiding a second c-section), Susie Meeks, to double check if I should in fact get in the car to pick up my mom. I called her, she answered, and the first thing out of her mouth was, “I’m about to push a baby out. Can I call you back”? I said sure, plopped down on the couch to watch a little Lord of the Rings, and waited for Rocky boy to get up from his nap. Susie called me back about 20 minutes later and told me NOT to get in the car. I called Phil, told him he needed to leave work to go pick up my mom and that I thought this could be “it”. Still no contractions.
Rock got up ten minutes later and as he was playing around the house I had a couple pretty heavy contractions. He asked me to help him go to the bathroom and as I was pulling his pants down and setting him on the toilet I had a REALLY heavy contraction. I was thinking, “Wow, this is getting intense, fast...” Phil and my mom walked in the door at 2:10pm and at this point I couldn’t talk through my contractions. They were coming so fast and hard that I hardly said “hi” to my mom, and instead retreated to our bedroom upstairs to try and calm myself down. At this point I was succeeding and failing back and forth as I was trying to relax through the contractions. They were so hard and long and coming crazy fast. Susie and Phil were talking on the phone while I was upstairs and decided Susie should come to the house instead of meeting us at the hospital. My labor process with Rock lasted 26 hours so we weren’t thinking things could happen as fast as they were about to happen.
Susie had been up all night/into the afternoon attempting a home birth with another client. They ended up having to go to Baptist hospital to birth the baby. On her way over Susie asked Phil to make her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some coffee because she hadn’t eaten in quite some time. Susie arrived at the house at 2:50pm, came upstairs to check my progress, looked at me and Phil and said, “guys, we’re not going to make it to the hospital. Her head is right there and you’re ready to have this baby.” We were shocked! Susie didn’t even get to eat the “meal” Phil made for her. She started calling down to my mom to go get the home birth equipment and supplies from her car and at the same time was telling me not to push. Susie’s supplies were all sterilized and ready to go since they weren’t able to use them at the birth the night before. God was so present.
I pushed for 40 minutes. 40 of the longest, most challenging, most beyond myself minutes and our baby girl, Ever Wynn Shay, was born into my arms at 4:10pm. The moment I so longed for with the c-section birth of our son Rock that I wasn’t able to experience was happening. I pushed our little girl out, on our bed, on our anniversary, the minute my mom walked in the door to take care of Rock, the perfect plan of hiring a doula who is also a certified midwife that could handle an unexpected home birth. None of these things were on my radar, but they were planned, down to the minute by our God. As I sit here and write the story, the story that happened 5 short weeks ago, I still can’t believe the detail and the beauty of it all.
I had prepared myself with the thought that another c-section wouldn’t mean God forgot about me. I had told myself that this birth would be totally different than Rock’s birth and no matter what the outcome my heart and mind were as ready as they could be to know how God thinks and feels about me. He is so present in all of our stories...truly epic stories on even the most boring days. But as I think back over this wild story, my heart soars at the thought that God allowed me to push Ever out...that my body did what it needed to do and it was so fast that I didn’t get a chance to second guess myself or tell myself I couldn’t do it. With all the negative self talk I allow to go on in my head as a part of my daily life, this was a moment where I did something amazing...so many factors making the labor what it needed to be...but my human body met God’s gracious hand and we did it together. I’m proud of this story and I hope each of us have moments in our lives that let us be proud of ourselves as God meets us with His faithfulness.
Ever Wynn Shay was born on 1/6/2012
7lbs 8oz
21in long
Ushered into this crazy world with a story all her own :)
New Ever!
Family of Four :)
Our Doula, Susie, about an hour after Ever was born
Little Lady, Big Yawn
Bath Time, y'all
Monday, September 19, 2011
Soapy Soup
At this very moment I am shaking my head, laughing at myself. I did it AGAIN! I have a little problem with hand washing dishes, not rinsing them thoroughly, making food in them, and having the food taste like dish soap. Yes, just one of the many home maker fails that plague me.
I love soup and after Rock went down for his nap I thought this 65 degree cloudy/rainy day fell into the soup perfection category. And as I sat down to enjoy the first bite...the left over dish soap left a lingering taste on my tongue. I've done this now about 10 times and every time it happens I feel like a moron. It's happened with scrambled eggs, coffee, and mostly soup.
In this afternoon's course of tragic events I was reminded of a childhood story that also makes me shake my head with the "what were you thinking, Sonnie" line written all over it. But it makes me laugh so I thought I'd scribble it down.
My family was staying at a hotel with anticipations of visiting a random amusement park that we frequently visited in Kansas called "World's of Fun." My mom's family lives in Kansas, so occasionally when we would visit family we'd also make our way to the theme park. I recall being about 8 years old and the morning we were to embark on good ole' family fun my siblings and I got up way to early due to excitement. We found ourselves playing a game where I was an imaginary mean mother figure and two of my younger siblings, Rilie and Brady, were my misbehaving children. So naturally, putting myself fully into character, when my children behaved badly I had them lick the hotel soap. I'm laughing out loud right now as I think about it. My parents weren't aware of what was going on and I must have made my siblings lick the hotel soap at least a dozen times before anyone knew what was happening.
Well, little Brady, who was about 5 at the time, started complaining about his stomach hurting. We were a bit concerned about the news knowing that we were supposed to leave for "Worlds of Fun" in the next hour. He ended up rushing to the bathroom and proceeded to throw up...accompanying his throw up were bubbles. Yes, bubbles. All the soap licking had upset his miniature stomach, but in turn made him a human bubble machine. He was quite amazed and stunned by all that was happening and thank God for the bubbles because without them making the whole incident rather note-worthy, I would have been the most horrible sister EVER. We did make it to World's of Fun that without anymore bubble barf's and we had a great time.
But now for my punishment, I get to eat soapy soup on rainy days!!
I love soup and after Rock went down for his nap I thought this 65 degree cloudy/rainy day fell into the soup perfection category. And as I sat down to enjoy the first bite...the left over dish soap left a lingering taste on my tongue. I've done this now about 10 times and every time it happens I feel like a moron. It's happened with scrambled eggs, coffee, and mostly soup.
In this afternoon's course of tragic events I was reminded of a childhood story that also makes me shake my head with the "what were you thinking, Sonnie" line written all over it. But it makes me laugh so I thought I'd scribble it down.
My family was staying at a hotel with anticipations of visiting a random amusement park that we frequently visited in Kansas called "World's of Fun." My mom's family lives in Kansas, so occasionally when we would visit family we'd also make our way to the theme park. I recall being about 8 years old and the morning we were to embark on good ole' family fun my siblings and I got up way to early due to excitement. We found ourselves playing a game where I was an imaginary mean mother figure and two of my younger siblings, Rilie and Brady, were my misbehaving children. So naturally, putting myself fully into character, when my children behaved badly I had them lick the hotel soap. I'm laughing out loud right now as I think about it. My parents weren't aware of what was going on and I must have made my siblings lick the hotel soap at least a dozen times before anyone knew what was happening.
Well, little Brady, who was about 5 at the time, started complaining about his stomach hurting. We were a bit concerned about the news knowing that we were supposed to leave for "Worlds of Fun" in the next hour. He ended up rushing to the bathroom and proceeded to throw up...accompanying his throw up were bubbles. Yes, bubbles. All the soap licking had upset his miniature stomach, but in turn made him a human bubble machine. He was quite amazed and stunned by all that was happening and thank God for the bubbles because without them making the whole incident rather note-worthy, I would have been the most horrible sister EVER. We did make it to World's of Fun that without anymore bubble barf's and we had a great time.
But now for my punishment, I get to eat soapy soup on rainy days!!
Monday, September 12, 2011
You are kind, You are smart, You are important.
Phil and I went on a little pre-bus call date last week and saw the movie "The Help". I read the book last year in about 2 days and although it took me a whole month to see the movie after it came out, I finally sat my tush down in the movie theatre seat to get my critic on and see how the movie version compared to the book.
I love it...I loved how the movie version met my imagination and in conjunction with my personality, seeing actual facial expressions was icing on the cake.
As I've been thinking about the movie this past week, I cannot seem to shake the multiple parts throughout the story where one of the maids Aibileen speaks specific words of truth over the toddler she cares for, Mae Mobley. The words come at perfect times when little Mae Mobley is quiet, confused, sad, scared, etc. Aibileen looks her in the eye and says to her, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important" and she has the sweet toddler repeat the words back to her.
My parents said plenty of great things to me growing up and sometimes it amazes me still at how easily insecure I can become, believing so many wrong, bad things about myself. What I love about the simple statement is that the words don't have anything to do with beauty or achievement...they are meant to be stored deep down, deeper than what my hair looks like today or how I feel about being a stay-at-home mom. I was born and so I am kind, I am smart, I am important.
I pray so much today that God's Spirit speaks these words over us. And as my kind, smart, important sister Camie turns 19 today, I want her to know deep down the value she holds in this crazy world. We need to see ourselves differently and we need to see other people differently.
Our eternal value outweighs EVERYTHING.
I love it...I loved how the movie version met my imagination and in conjunction with my personality, seeing actual facial expressions was icing on the cake.
As I've been thinking about the movie this past week, I cannot seem to shake the multiple parts throughout the story where one of the maids Aibileen speaks specific words of truth over the toddler she cares for, Mae Mobley. The words come at perfect times when little Mae Mobley is quiet, confused, sad, scared, etc. Aibileen looks her in the eye and says to her, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important" and she has the sweet toddler repeat the words back to her.
My parents said plenty of great things to me growing up and sometimes it amazes me still at how easily insecure I can become, believing so many wrong, bad things about myself. What I love about the simple statement is that the words don't have anything to do with beauty or achievement...they are meant to be stored deep down, deeper than what my hair looks like today or how I feel about being a stay-at-home mom. I was born and so I am kind, I am smart, I am important.
I pray so much today that God's Spirit speaks these words over us. And as my kind, smart, important sister Camie turns 19 today, I want her to know deep down the value she holds in this crazy world. We need to see ourselves differently and we need to see other people differently.
Our eternal value outweighs EVERYTHING.
Monday, August 22, 2011
My first bouquet of flowers...
I met Phil when I was 18. We were friends for 4 months, dated for 7 months, were engaged for 9 months, and have now been married for 5.5 years. It feels rather amazing to have built a history with someone. The history, as history goes, is chalked full of beauty and pain; misunderstandings and hugs; loads of work and moments of deep down laughter.
Phil is in Seattle today...he's been on the road since August 3rd and most days I busily get through the hours and minutes until the next day. But I'm also learning to sit, think, enjoy, and reflect on life. Phil posted a picture on facebook of some fresh sunflowers from Pikes Place Market in Seattle today. He said they were for me. Immediately I was taken back to the first bouquet of flowers I was given. They happened to be sunflowers from Pikes Place Market that Phil gave me in the Phoenix airport. He had flown with them in his lap all the way from Washington to Arizona. I remember being a bit embarrassed walking through the Phoenix airport carrying a bouquet half my size bursting with yellow, but I love thinking about it now.
And as I was sitting at my computer thinking about this part of our story, I realized that just about every romantic first I've experienced has been with Phil. The realization made me cry. Something steady and secure rose up in me knowing my love life has grown with Phil. I'm not saying this is the best way or the perfect way or the only way, but it's a part of my story. A story that has been riddled with pain and confusion, resembling a battlefield at times, and then full of hope and reconciliation too.
I'm grateful for our history. As many romantic firsts, first boyfriend, first hand to hold, first "I love you", first kiss, first everything else after that :) there have also been relationship failures, first fight, first broken heart, first depression and anxiety, first open conversations about sin. The tension and confusion have been almost too much to bare at times. It's an amazing contrast, this marriage thing. More than anything I know God is for us and nothing beats that security. As the dark and light shuffle back and forth, I know the love and pain is not for nothing. Our adventure and story matters; my adventure and story matters.
I'm grateful for deep tears that come from the meandering journey of Phil and my history.
God's mercy lets us love big and strong with each new morning...all of us and all of our stories.
Early Days
Five Years later...
Phil is in Seattle today...he's been on the road since August 3rd and most days I busily get through the hours and minutes until the next day. But I'm also learning to sit, think, enjoy, and reflect on life. Phil posted a picture on facebook of some fresh sunflowers from Pikes Place Market in Seattle today. He said they were for me. Immediately I was taken back to the first bouquet of flowers I was given. They happened to be sunflowers from Pikes Place Market that Phil gave me in the Phoenix airport. He had flown with them in his lap all the way from Washington to Arizona. I remember being a bit embarrassed walking through the Phoenix airport carrying a bouquet half my size bursting with yellow, but I love thinking about it now.
And as I was sitting at my computer thinking about this part of our story, I realized that just about every romantic first I've experienced has been with Phil. The realization made me cry. Something steady and secure rose up in me knowing my love life has grown with Phil. I'm not saying this is the best way or the perfect way or the only way, but it's a part of my story. A story that has been riddled with pain and confusion, resembling a battlefield at times, and then full of hope and reconciliation too.
I'm grateful for our history. As many romantic firsts, first boyfriend, first hand to hold, first "I love you", first kiss, first everything else after that :) there have also been relationship failures, first fight, first broken heart, first depression and anxiety, first open conversations about sin. The tension and confusion have been almost too much to bare at times. It's an amazing contrast, this marriage thing. More than anything I know God is for us and nothing beats that security. As the dark and light shuffle back and forth, I know the love and pain is not for nothing. Our adventure and story matters; my adventure and story matters.
I'm grateful for deep tears that come from the meandering journey of Phil and my history.
God's mercy lets us love big and strong with each new morning...all of us and all of our stories.
Early Days
Five Years later...
Friday, August 5, 2011
A toasted bagel sandwich and a rain storm
Awwwwwww...I so needed that. Sitting on our back porch during a much needed rain storm while eating lunch brought me back to simple again. The breeze and pitter patter of the water from the sky let me relax...my body and my mind. This is a big deal for me because my mind DOES NOT STOP most moments of the day. I consistently live my life with my shoulders touching my ears because my thought life is too intense and my body just carries it around. So very unhealthy! Phil makes fun of me...telling me when I'm tense because I have no idea I'm walking through Target with clenched fists or sleeping with a scowl on my face (which Phil says is my normal sleeping state...a big ole frown). And because I haven't been able to focus on many specific things these days, I'll give you a little glimpse of the constant thoughts tornado-ing around in my head.
BEING A WIFE - I'm thankful to be married and more than that I'm thankful to me married to Phil. Our differences are mountains, but when we are able to meet in the beautiful valley's between our mountains it's breath-taking. It takes strenuous hiking to get to that beauty and it's hard. There are about 8 million insecurities that poke their heads out when it comes to being married...and gosh darn it I want to cut those heads off when they reveal themselves, they just happen to be really quick and I don't notice them right away.
BEING A MOM - I love Rock, it's no secret. My heart explodes a little every time he wakes up in the morning. I am however constantly surprised at how quick my love can turn to frustration. Lately the little man thinks it's AWESOME to say my name over and over and over...I mean seriously, like in the movies. Today we were driving home from Trader Joe's and the entire 10 minute drive home he said my name (mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy). I try to say his name back to him over and over, I try to ask him what he needs, I try to ignore it, and nothing works. Yes, things could be worse, much worse, but I'd love to find some steady ground, realizing the gift of my son and the gift of his toddlerhood even when I think I can't handle the crazy.
NEW BABY - I think about baby shay #2 a lot. I so badly want to know if it's a boy or a girl, but will have to wait until the end of this month. I think about what January will be like, what labor will be like, what being a mama to two kiddos will be like. I wonder if I'll enjoy having a new born this time around, I wonder what Rock will think, how he will act. I think, think think!
FAMINE - The reality of the famine in Somalia hit me hard last night. A friend posted an article saying that in the past 90 days 29,000 children under the age of five have died of starvation. It was honestly hard to go to bed last night thinking about the mothers watching their children die because of the "simple" fact they don't have food to feed their kids. What a heart wrenching process to experience. I felt strange thinking about the issues and fears I have, wondering if God will provide for me/our family, when in reality I am surrounded by provision. I've never not had my needs met...NEVER. I felt like I wanted to shake myself...like I wanted to somehow inject the truth into my soul so I'd never wonder about the goodness of God again. I know He's fighting for ALL of us whether our suffering looks like a famine or figuring out how to live each hour loving God and the people around us.
And there's a snippet of my cyclical thoughts. There are many more topics I could list, but I won't. I hope you all get a "bagel sandwich and rain storm" moment today...letting you soak in rest and peace!
BEING A WIFE - I'm thankful to be married and more than that I'm thankful to me married to Phil. Our differences are mountains, but when we are able to meet in the beautiful valley's between our mountains it's breath-taking. It takes strenuous hiking to get to that beauty and it's hard. There are about 8 million insecurities that poke their heads out when it comes to being married...and gosh darn it I want to cut those heads off when they reveal themselves, they just happen to be really quick and I don't notice them right away.
BEING A MOM - I love Rock, it's no secret. My heart explodes a little every time he wakes up in the morning. I am however constantly surprised at how quick my love can turn to frustration. Lately the little man thinks it's AWESOME to say my name over and over and over...I mean seriously, like in the movies. Today we were driving home from Trader Joe's and the entire 10 minute drive home he said my name (mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy). I try to say his name back to him over and over, I try to ask him what he needs, I try to ignore it, and nothing works. Yes, things could be worse, much worse, but I'd love to find some steady ground, realizing the gift of my son and the gift of his toddlerhood even when I think I can't handle the crazy.
NEW BABY - I think about baby shay #2 a lot. I so badly want to know if it's a boy or a girl, but will have to wait until the end of this month. I think about what January will be like, what labor will be like, what being a mama to two kiddos will be like. I wonder if I'll enjoy having a new born this time around, I wonder what Rock will think, how he will act. I think, think think!
FAMINE - The reality of the famine in Somalia hit me hard last night. A friend posted an article saying that in the past 90 days 29,000 children under the age of five have died of starvation. It was honestly hard to go to bed last night thinking about the mothers watching their children die because of the "simple" fact they don't have food to feed their kids. What a heart wrenching process to experience. I felt strange thinking about the issues and fears I have, wondering if God will provide for me/our family, when in reality I am surrounded by provision. I've never not had my needs met...NEVER. I felt like I wanted to shake myself...like I wanted to somehow inject the truth into my soul so I'd never wonder about the goodness of God again. I know He's fighting for ALL of us whether our suffering looks like a famine or figuring out how to live each hour loving God and the people around us.
And there's a snippet of my cyclical thoughts. There are many more topics I could list, but I won't. I hope you all get a "bagel sandwich and rain storm" moment today...letting you soak in rest and peace!
Friday, July 29, 2011
My mess, our messes
Today was a bit long in the Shay house hold. It wasn't a bad day really...the minutes just felt hours behind and by about 5pm I was DONE. Being DONE isn't an option when you're mothering a two year old, so I whined a bit, "had to go to the bathroom" more often then I really needed too (in case you aren't a parent...that's what we do to get our "smoke" breaks during our work day), and then I finally pulled it together. Rock and I ended the evening by playing a little golf in the back yard with some thrift store golf clubs and an oversized blue ball. Rock's swing is improving and I'm so proud :)
After the little man was sound asleep I ended up blowing a fuse while blow drying my hair, so that was very cliche and took about 20 minutes for me to figure it out thanks to my dad being on the line helping me be a home owner! Once the shenanigans were fixed I sat down and watched the movie "It's Kind of a Funny Story". I didn't have very high expectations considering I've had horrible judgement in Netflix movies lately, but thank heavens...this movie was a catch and a half.
It was a simple story with complex characters and I felt like I understood it right from the get go. Life is weird and hard and I don't know why adults try to explain the heck out of it. I'm realizing, as I'm living in the middle of the mess, that messes are everywhere and involve everyone. We don't have to pretend they aren't there and we can break our coping mechanism's that cause us to do and act in unexplainable ways. The weird things we hold onto that other people look at and know they're not quite right...especially the people who love us, they see these behaviors and know they don't belong in us.
In my short adult life I've felt pretty passionately about resolving conflict and living in freedom. I had some break throughs early on that caused me to hunker down and fight with life. There were days and places that took me to the feet of Jesus and He was all there was. He asked me in those places to keep ripping through my own dysfunction and He asked me every day to trust Him. These, to date, were the hardest days of my life, but they brought me to a place of understanding that truly have no value.
We all hurt, we all know what it feels like to be lonely and depressed and that's ok...it's part of our make-up. And I loved this movie because the characters reinforced that life is too much for all of us, but working it out with a little art, a little music, a little ping-pong, and a lot of hard, honest conversations goes a long way. And real relationships are completely necessary.
Yes, I loved the movie and I love that we're all a little messed up.
Yes, Yes, Yes :)
After the little man was sound asleep I ended up blowing a fuse while blow drying my hair, so that was very cliche and took about 20 minutes for me to figure it out thanks to my dad being on the line helping me be a home owner! Once the shenanigans were fixed I sat down and watched the movie "It's Kind of a Funny Story". I didn't have very high expectations considering I've had horrible judgement in Netflix movies lately, but thank heavens...this movie was a catch and a half.
It was a simple story with complex characters and I felt like I understood it right from the get go. Life is weird and hard and I don't know why adults try to explain the heck out of it. I'm realizing, as I'm living in the middle of the mess, that messes are everywhere and involve everyone. We don't have to pretend they aren't there and we can break our coping mechanism's that cause us to do and act in unexplainable ways. The weird things we hold onto that other people look at and know they're not quite right...especially the people who love us, they see these behaviors and know they don't belong in us.
In my short adult life I've felt pretty passionately about resolving conflict and living in freedom. I had some break throughs early on that caused me to hunker down and fight with life. There were days and places that took me to the feet of Jesus and He was all there was. He asked me in those places to keep ripping through my own dysfunction and He asked me every day to trust Him. These, to date, were the hardest days of my life, but they brought me to a place of understanding that truly have no value.
We all hurt, we all know what it feels like to be lonely and depressed and that's ok...it's part of our make-up. And I loved this movie because the characters reinforced that life is too much for all of us, but working it out with a little art, a little music, a little ping-pong, and a lot of hard, honest conversations goes a long way. And real relationships are completely necessary.
Yes, I loved the movie and I love that we're all a little messed up.
Yes, Yes, Yes :)
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